I don't know what I want in life. Who I want to be. But that's ok. What is disturbing is that I wasn't willing to move my ass out of my comfort zone and try to find out!

Comfort zone! That's a joke. What I was in, what I'm just getting out of is my anasthesia zone! I was so paralysed, so inert! I knew, deep in my heart, that this is not my destiny. Practically everyone who loves me knows that this is not what I was born to be. But I was stuck, unwilling to move!

Why was I so stubborn, so averse to facts? Did I think I had a long time to live, and would eventually, someday get my act together? Or was I under the impression that this is all I would ever be, this is how I would die? All ridiculous notions.

Suicidal thoughts naturally entered my mind, just like they invade when I'm at my weakest. I've always been disturbingly fascinated with the thought of ending my life. But you know what - this is not the fucking time. This is my time to live, to shine, to get hit in the nuts, dammit! To make moronic mistakes, get hammered for it, make more moronic mistakes!

Part of my recent 'phase' was laziness, anasthesia zone. Most of it was the fact that I was directionless. No defined dream! Sure, there were many things that 'would be nice' but I had no compelling reason! Because I didn't know my finish line, I didn't begin the race. Whose fuckup? Mine.

All is well now. I finally have an inkling about where I want to go on this Ferrari that is my body, mind, spirit, opportunities. I'll build from there, never stop questioning. I now have made a decision - I'm in it to win it. I'm moving my ass to get what I want, and nothing will stop me. I'll go through discomfort, pain, change, learning to get so much more. For me, my family, my community.

Wishing in the past is futile. I know this, but my heart still wishes. I still don't stop that poison entering my soul; regret.

I have no idea of knowing what would have happened if I'd not had that accident. I don't know how my life would have turned out if I'd taken CS as my branch. Life would have been neither better nor worse, it just would have been different. That's all. I believe that the sum of all my life experiences is zero. Negatives and positives, goods and bads get cancelled. Every life is given an equal share of ups and downs, maybe unequally distributed. We're also given an equal amount of strength, fortitude and grace to handle it. Only harnessing these qualities is left to the individual.

So, regret is pointless. Useless. It only results in pain. It's unnecessary.

Let go.

Everyday I must to little. Little by little, I can grow big.

If it is to be, it is up to me. Attitude!

Name list! Dream list! My basics!

Upline-downlne relationship. Edification of downline.